Session 3: I Smell a Rat

A write-up of our biweekly Dungeons & Dragons campaign from the perspective of my character, Heyou, a teenage elf barbarian. Heyou was kidnapped at a young age by bandits. His family was murdered and his face disfigured, including the almost complete removal of his ears, before being sold to the orphanage where he grew up. Orphanages are big business in our fictional world as they produce the laborers that power the economy. The disfigurement means it was impossible for any extended family to identify and claim him. As a result, Heyou has a very jaded world view but also sees the ability to make money by perpetuating the kidnap-and-sell scam. He is not very bright but considers himself so and thus he frequently uses words incorrectly. Heyou and several of his fellow orphanage mates have reached the age where they must leave and go find jobs in the fields they have trained all their lives, however they have chosen a different path and have overthrown the thieves guild that once ran their small corner of town.

These write-ups are done as a pure stream of consciousness – one of my favorite ways to write. No thinking in advance. No multiple versions. Just a laptop, the notes from the gaming session scribbled in my journal, and then I go at it in one continuous burst until it is finished. I allow myself one edit to keep it pure but to find as many errors I can before sharing.

After beating up the jelly thing, we decided Veego was probably too beat up to go on. It was best for him to go rest up in our new lair. 

We're going to miss his eyes and ears, but he's more good to me watching for guards or other travelers on the road when he hijack a caravan and stuff their kids in a sack. You gotta use strategery. 

Just before the rest of us were ready to move on, Brad showed up. Brad's a little gnome feller. I don't mind him being part of the crew, he knows how to grow food after all, but he's not exactly known his speed. Not all his fault. He's got stubby little legs but whatever. We lose our scout and gain an anchor. Great. 

Thinking ahead though, if we shave him clean and put him in a romper, I bet we could "sell" him to orphanages all over the city, let him gain the trust of the other kids, and lead 'em right out the back door like the Pied Piper! March' em right into waiting sacks. 

Strategery! 

We start down the tunnels again in search of Rich and Red's package. Jillian takes point - she's no Veego but I trust her - and right away Brad starts whining about wanting to go home and tend his garden. 

Ugh. Maybe I tell him the plan but then really do sell him. We'll see how this goes. I look back and already his falling behind. Not only that, he's pulling tomatoes out of every pocket and handing then out. What the heck? 

We travel a bit, stopping every now and again so Brad the Gnomish Anchor can catch up, but eventually we hear voices. 

One of them is all like, "Tell me how to open it, Rich." Now I know I'm not the brightest star in the shed but that sounds an awful lot like to me that someone is trying to steal our package! Can't let that happen. If we look bad in front of Red, not only will that undo everything I did in our first meeting to obviously super impress him, it will ruin my grand plans! 

Without even saying a word to one another, me, Jillian and Dank start hauling tail down the tunnel toward the voices. I'm furious at this point so I yell, "LaCroix, emm effer!" and pull ahead. 

As we come around a bend I see two people trying to hide in the shadows. Veego must be wearing off on me or something because they don't fool me at all. I charge right up to one and blast him in the face full strength with the pommel of my sword. 

This guy I hit though? He doesn't even flinch. It's like Mayella is wearing off on me too because I know I don't throw no weak punches like her.

I suddenly notice Dank is trying to get me to stop, and he looks all concerned. Then the jerk I punched puts his dagger away and says, "Are we really going to do this?" 

Oh, man. This could be bad. I don't know what to do but I for darn sure ain't letting them leave with that package for Red. 

Jillian pipes up and asks who the three people trying to rob Rich are. Before they can say nothing though, Dank steps up and calls the guy I just socked and the woman who was trying to hide with him Mal and Vern. And then he's all like, "It's me, Dank." 

What the hell? 

The rest of us are still feeling each other out but not my boy, Black Lizard. He slips right by and heads to find Rich. Good thinking! 

Dank explains that these two and the woman trying to get the package from Rich are all wererats. I wonder how he knows that but ok. It explains how the one took a punch from me. He introduces the third as Kat and offers to parlay. 

OK. Can we stop for a minute? How can you be named Kat and turn into a rat? That's completely nonsequential. 

Anyways, Kat agrees to parlay while Rich is just cowering there looking like a sad sack. If this is the caliper of people Red works with no wonder he was so impressed by me. I ain't scared of no rat people. 

While she and Dank are carrying on about the Council coming down someone or something for not giving the rats finks the package, I take a closer look at the package. It looks to be some sort of black footlocker,and it is covered in symbols and is also chained to rich. 

I'm not paying attention to the parlay because I'm thinking about how get rid of these rats. I try to get Brad's attention to see if he has some cheese we can poison or something but then I realize he still hasn't caught up. C'mon, Brad! 

Just then my attention snaps back to Kat and Rich because I see Black Lizard step between Rich and the Kat lady, pull out his battle axe and say, "Not your package." 

Kat gets this amused look on her face, which really pisses me off, but before I can do anything Mayella pipes up and tries to convince Kat to give us the package. 

Well, needless to say, her and her dumb doll fail miserably and it looks like we're at another impasse when Caladryll suggests perhaps Kat take the contents of the box and let us take the actual box.

I like this plan and actually find myself getting on board with it but this lousy coward Rich won't be a team player. 

Now I'm curious. What's in the box that's so important? I ask Rich about it or if Red even knows but he's shaking like a leaf, too scared to answer. I'm out of patience at this point so I grab the rat - the actual rat, not these rat people - from the sack and smack Rich in the face with it. Maybe if I get him to focus on something he's really scared of he'll spill the beans about the package. 

Instead of talking though, Rich keels over. I think he died. Pathetic. But I'm totally going to sketch that later. Just gotta deal with the wererats. 

That's when things start happening really fast. 

The ones called Vern and Mal lunge for Rich and the package. Vern actually chops off Rich's hand and just takes off with the package with the severed hand still attached. 

Respect. 

Black Lizard is my boy though and he wasn't having none of that either, so he just flat out buries his axe in Mal's chest. 

Mal slumps into the muck with this stupid look on his face, like he can't believe what just happened, but Black Lizard is still swinging, this time at Vern as he tries to escape with the package. 

Vern takes the blow but keeps moving. I dive at him to try to tackle him but miss. Caladryll fires up Sacred Flame and Mayella slings a rock. 

Brad finally shows up. 

As Vern tries to get past Dank, out comes Dank's dagger and he buries it in Rich's hand. As Vern continues running, Dank snags the box from his grip. 

I don't even know how to explain what happens next so I'm just going to say it. 

Dank turns into a gods forsaken rat.

We'll have to unpack that later but it does explain an awful lot about how he was so good at sneaking out of the orphanage.

So rat Dank takes off scurrying down the tunnel with Vern in pursuit. Brad summons some vines to try and spring Dank's escape but Vern isn't even slowed down. You'd think Brad would be better and slowing things down since he is so painfully slow himself, but, welp, there we go. 

Meanwhile, Jillian has been helping Black Lizard fight off Kat, and somehow Mal is back up and in the fight too. 

Black Lizard strikes Mal again but leaves himself open to a blow from Kat. It looks like a bad one too because Black Lizard drops immediately. Then Jillian absorbs a huge hit. She's still up but just barely. I gotta get in there! 

Looking over my shoulder I see Rat Dank and now Rat Vern rolling around in a ball of teeth and claws. I decide to let Dank handle that on his own and charge into the fight with the other two. Picking up Black Lizard's battle axe, I roar with furry and once again bury it in Mal's chest. 

Mal collapses again but this time he ain't coming back for Round 3.

While I turn to face Kat, Caladryll slips in and heals Black Lizard, thank the gods, and Mayella stabilizes Jillian to make sue she stays in the fight. 

Feeling renewed, Jillian lunges for Kat to grapple her but Kat deftly slips out of her grip. 

Just then Black Lizard gains his feet. He reaches for his battle axe and I willingly give it to him. With a grim look on his face, he stares down the rat woman and says, "Not. Your. Package." 

That's my boy! 

He swings and connects with Kat, driving her back, but she comes right back at him with a bite and a stab but misses. 

Realizing Black Lizard's silver-edged axe is the only thing that can hurt our opponents, I snag the axe back from him and drill her hard in the side. Caladryll singes her with fire and then Black Lizard takes his axe back once more, and with a final savage blow, takes that rat bitch out. 

We rush over to Vern and Dank as Vern turns back into human form and tries to run. Caladryll and I both dive for his ankles but miss. Dank and Black Lizard both try to grab him or trip him up somehow but Vern is to quick and crafty. 

I take chase after Vern down the dark tunnel when suddenly I feel something whoosh past my face. Then in the darkness I hear the sound of steel sinking into meat and then something splashing into the water. Then it is silent. 

I trot back to regroup and notice Black Lizard is headed the way I just came from but is missing his battle axe. I do the math in my head and we exchange solemn nods. 

While he heads into the darkness to retrieve his weapon, the rest of us begin looting the corpses. 

We come up with a silver dagger and 12 gold pieces. Black Lizard takes one for himself. The rest I decide will go to Sanjay since we are running low on funds. 

Brad and Mayella are busy trying to pick the lock on the package we are to deliver to Red while others are discussing what to tell him about what happened. I pull out some paper and, dipping a paint brush in Kat's blood, begin drawing a picture of her corpse. 

Mayella approaches me with the package, now without Rich's hand attached, and tells me I should cuff it to my own. I tell her that is a bad idea because I need to fight. She agrees and puts the cuff on her own wrist. Nothing happens though. It won't lock. 

I think for a moment and then say, "LaCroix." Suddenly the cuff locks around her wrist because I am wicked smart like the leader should be. 

Dank suggests we cut off the heads of the wererats so Red knows about the competition. I love this idea so we make it happen and then head for the delivery place. 

We finally arrive but there's no one there to meet us and nothing to see. We start scratching our heads but not for long when Dank pipes up and says he smells something coming and that it smells like tulips. 

A man suddenly appears and he's all well dressed and stuff. Also, the way he is acting, he's a little light in his boots too, if you ask me. 

He asks for the package and Mayella starts to move but I'm all like, "Give us a black coin for our troubles." 

Because I'm smart. Like a leader. 

The man tosses me one and I give it to Black Lizard. We then tell him about the wererats guild and give him the severed heads. 

He nods as if he's not surprised and then kneels down to open the case. My jaw drops to the floor. This thing is filled with black coins! There must be 50 to 60 of them! 

Oh, man. This is a huge score for us with Red. We tell the flowery man to make sure Red knows what we did here. He says he will, then takes the heads and leaves. 

On our way back to the lair, Dank comes clean about his history with the wererats guild. Apparently he was kidnapped(! - profit opportunity!) by them and trained as a pet before being left to die. If they find out he's alive I guess that could mean all kinds of trouble. We'll see about that. 

That night while the others are sleeping, Robbie's guy shows up again and delivers two more crates. This time I find out his name is Guy. The guy's name is Guy. That's hysterical. 

I open the crates and it looks to be all kinds of basic goods for us plus a couple of silver weapons. I help myself to the silver long sword. Let's see those rat bastards come at us for Dank now. 

There's also another 30 days of funding for us in there. I wake up Sanjay and give him the coins. He looks dumbfounded and tells me he's never seen this before. 

Whoa! We are on so tight with Red now! We're going to be rich.