Session 2: Business Stinks

A write-up of our biweekly Dungeons & Dragons campaign from the perspective of my character, Heyou, a teenage elf barbarian. Heyou was kidnapped at a young age by bandits. His family was murdered and his face disfigured, including the almost complete removal of his ears, before being sold to the orphanage where he grew up. Orphanages are big business in our fictional world as they produce the laborers that power the economy. The disfigurement means it was impossible for any extended family to identify and claim him. As a result, Heyou has a very jaded world view but also sees the ability to make money by perpetuating the kidnap-and-sell scam. He is not very bright but considers himself so and thus he frequently uses words incorrectly. Heyou and several of his fellow orphanage mates have reached the age where they must leave and go find jobs in the fields they have trained all their lives, however they have chosen a different path and have overthrown the thieves guild that once ran their small corner of town.

These write-ups are done as a pure stream of consciousness – one of my favorite ways to write. No thinking in advance. No multiple versions. Just a laptop, the notes from the gaming session scribbled in my journal, and then I go at it in one continuous burst until it is finished. I allow myself one edit to keep it pure but to find as many errors I can before sharing.

As much as I was looking forward to getting our little kidnapping-and-orphanage swap immediately off the ground, like as in “Let’s hit a couple homes on our way home from the meeting for a little seed capital”, no one else seems to be down with it. It appears the disfigurement of the kids is the biggest sticking point, but I keep telling them that’s how you keep the parents from recognizing them and taking them back!

Oh, there’s a whole bunch of conversation going on around where we go from here and how we are going to grow our enterprise, but it all lacks intonation!

Mayella most vocally doesn’t want to sell kids. I mean, I kinda get it because she still plays with dolls so she’s basically a kid herself. That gets me thinking about what I could sell her for though. My guess is not much. Damn.

The group keeps arguing that we have to offer some sort of good and services. It’s like they’re not even listening!

Goods and services.

Kids and protection.

We’re saying the exact same thing but it’s like we’re speaking different languages! And ain’t none of us bisexual so no one gets what the other party is saying.

This gets exhausting and it’s already late, so we decide to pack it in for the night and go to sleep in our new base of operations. Well, they sleep. I break out a couple of candles, put on my red and white striped hat, turn the crank a couple times on the old music box I fixed up, and start trancing.

So, everyone is sleeping but me, right? Well, all of the sudden I hear this noise. I look over and here’s this guy that I don’t know and ain’t never seen before popping up through the trapdoor in the floor of our sleeping room. I’m not having none of that, so I run up on the intruder and try to kick him down the ladder but before I do, I notice he’s putting these big boxes on the floor of our room.

Turns out he works for some guy named Robbie and this Robbie character has him delivering crates to the hideout. It appears this is legit business, so I decide not to whomp on the guy, even after he asks us for payment.

I’m not entirely sure what to do here so I dig into my pouch and pull out a coin like he asked for, but this guy though tells me he doesn’t take gold coins. He asks for a black coin. What the hell? Now, I have no idea what he is talking about, but I figure skinny old Sanjay will know so I go wake him up and tell him we need to give this fella a black coin for delivering goods from Robbie.

I know I am not the sharpest tool in the deck, but I know business. When you are actually, physically part of a business deal, you tend to pay attention to these things after that. My intubation is correct. Sanjay knows exactly what Robbie’s errand boy is talking about and hands over a black coin.

Everybody has questions now, but nobody has any good ones but me and Black Lizard. Black Lizard wants to see one of the black coins. He wants to see if he can recreate them. And me? I want to know about this Robbie guy.

Turns out Robbie works for Red. Red is big time. Red is a guy with a reputation for getting things done. If we can get into business with Red, the coin – gold, black, silver, who cares? – will start flowing. And best thing? Dale the Miller knows Red. I decide Dale is going to need to set up a meeting as part of our protection arrangement.

It’s not all good news though. Sanjay tells me black coins are the main form of currency between guilds, and we only have four black coins left. What’s more, we only have enough coin, any coin, to get us through the next 30 days.

Woof. I need to sell this kidnapping ring to the rest of the gang fast or we’re going to go hungry. Maybe I should wait until we get desperate? Might be easier to convince them then.

Anyways, we head back upstairs and check out the crates this Robbie guy had delivered. One is full of weapons like short swords, daggers and things like that. Another has leather armor but some of it needs to be resized to fit right. Good thing Jillian is with us. The last one has your basic supplies. Sacks, rope, backpacks, torches – basic necessity type stuff.

I pass on the armor. It all feels too tight and uncomfortable. I don’t like it and decide to go without. Besides, I can take a punch. I do take a sword and the supplies. I’m going to need the rope to tie up the kids I kidnap and the sword to disfigure them. See? I’m always thinking business.

In the morning we reach out to Dale the Miller to see about getting a parlay with Red so we can start doing some real business. While we’re waiting, I work on the crew again regarding kidnapping children. No one will budge. Then Black Lizard makes a great suggestion. What if we murder the parents so they can’t reclaim the kids? Then we don’t have to disfigure the kids? I like it. That sounds like a good compression. 

But later on, I’m like, “What is their grandmas coming looking for them?” I pat the hilt of my sword and smile. Still going to have to disfigure.

It’s time to go to our parlay with Red. He probably thinks we’re some rookies, but he’s underestimated us. We’re not walking into no trap. We send Veego to look ahead because, like I said before, nothing gets by this guy. He’s got wicked good senses.

Veego tells us everything is on the up and up or at least no ambush outside the meeting spot, so we head on it to meet the famous Red.

Red is this wiry, older dark-skinned man with salt and pepper hair and a thin beard of matching color. He has an easygoing confidence about him, like he’s been at this a long time, seen a lot of guilds and guildmembers come and go, and he’s still standing. I decide to show him proper respect but also show him we’re hungry to get ours.

“So, Red,” I says. “How can we do business together?” I nod to myself. Solid opening. He’ll respect that.

We obviously impressed him because it turns out he does have a job for us. I should be happy about that, but the job is kinda lame if I’m being honest.

Red tells us he needs up to pick up a package for him. That sounds simple enough to start but then as it goes on, I’m starting to feel like he ain’t taking us seriously. We don’t even have to go outside our base. He just wants us to take the sewers from our base to meet some guy, give him a password, grab a package, head back through the sewers and give it to some other guy.

Is this guy kidding me? Does he think we’re a bunch of kids or something? Then I see Mayella and the stupid doll and I’m like, “Of course he does.” Nonetheless, if we have to play delivery boy this one time to get in good with Red, I’m going to do what I gotta do.

Maybe we can lose Mayella and her doll in the sewers.

Red did let us know that the guy, the one we are picking up the package from, not the other one, is afraid of rats. I figure, let’s have some fun. Maybe we can pick up the shipment but then boost some other goods too using the rat to stick the guy up. Dank though doesn’t think that’s a good idea. He thinks we need to establish ourselves as trustworthy and dependable before we go off script. I like Dank. He’s a solid dude. Not around a lot though. He just seems to disappear a lot and he’s real secretive about where he goes.

No matter. Maybe we don’t stick up the mark using a rat, but I’m no dummy. I’m at least going to catch one as leverage in case something goes sideways during the loot pick up.

One in the morning rolls around so we leave the base then as instructed by Red. We have our torches now thanks to the delivery from Robbie, but Black Lizard is like, “Nah. I got this, fam” and does one of his wiggly finger thingies. Next thing I know the torch is lit but like not lit, if that makes sense? I don’t know. Black Lizard is a real weird dude. Solid, but weird.

We start heading through the sewers and they smell about as you would expect. Just terrible, like sweat and rotting food and shit. It reminds me of Mayella’s doll. Despite all that though, it’s just a casual stroll through muck.

But not for long!

After a couple turns down adjacent tunnels following the directions Red gave us, all of the sudden this slimy black think that looks like a giant centipede pops up out of the muck. I’m the bravest and strongest of the group, so while Mayella is hugging her dolly I bash the creature with my sword. This causes the slimy bastard to pull a cheap move and jump to the ceiling and then cheap shot me. It doesn’t hurt much but I suddenly realize that I can’t move. I’m completely paraphrased by this thing! While I’m standing there like a statue, I see Dank and Jillian get hit as well, but luckily, they can still move.

It doesn’t matter though because another of those black, slimy centipedes appears and just nails Jillian. She falls into the muck and isn’t moving. I don’t like that, and I feel myself getting really pissed when this new one hits me super hard too, which is completely not fair because I can’t move. Once I get unfrozen, I plan to stomp this overgrown bug back down into the stank-ass sewer muck.

Before I can do that though, Veego cripples the one that froze me up and then Dank runs it through. Dank didn’t think that one through too good though because it then fell from the ceiling and landed on top of him, driving him down into the muck. I’m thinking about how Sanjay is going to have to clean up him and Jillian when fire shoots out from Black Lizard and sets the other centipede thingy on fire.

At that moment, I start to feel myself become unstuck and now my anger bubbles over. I roar with complete fury and strike the monster hard in the chest but instead of staying and facing me it runs away. Veego and me try to swing at it but we both miss. Veego may be really good at seeing and hearing stuff, but he can’t swing a weapon worth a copper.

It seems like we’re safe for now so Mayella bandages up Jillian and we decide to take a rest right there in the stinking muck so everyone can recover from the battle.

We finish our short rest and start again on the path through the sewers. Eventually we come across a section of the sewers that is completely clean and well-maintained. I look it over and nod approvingly. Nice work. Perhaps whoever cleans it can be recruited to also clean our new base.

Realizing we must be close, we decide to head down this new, clean section but Veego and his crazy senses starts getting all weird and doesn’t want us to go any further. He doesn’t have time to say anything more though before this giant cube of mostly clear slime or something comes at us.

Something pops out of it, like an arm or something, and tries to hit Veego but he’s fast and dodges out of the way. We all take up our weapons and start to just pound on the thing. I’m not sure how much good it’s doing though. How do you kill a block of slime? Black Lizard tried to light this thing on fire too, but the flames quickly fizzle and die.

The slime cube strikes out at Veego again but this time his luck runs out and he gets hit. Hard. I can tell he’s barely able to keep standing and I start to tell him to fall back, but before the words can get out of my mouth, Mayella, of all people, nails the cube thingy with a sling bullet, causing it to explode.

Once again it seems like the danger has passed. But also, once again we need to stop again and rest before we can move on, especially for Veego’s sake.

I slump down against the wall and am completely baffled by all this. It’s just a simple package pick-up and delivery. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Red never said anything about black slime centipedes or clear jelly cube monsters. Is he trying to take us out? I bet he feels threatened. Well, we’ll show him we can’t be scared off or beaten. I pat the rat in the sack and smile. Looks like we need a little hazard pay for this job.

And after it, we’re going to have another serious talk about kidnapping instead. A lot less dangerous. I bet Jillian and Veego would agree with me at this point.