A Weapon of Unspeakable Horror

This has been a bit of a running gag in my gaming group and it came up again just this week so as I was sitting here working on something else, I got the inspiration to manifest it into semi-reality. I’m talking about the poop knife.

Now, if you don’t know what a poop knife is, I’ll spare you the details here and invite you to read the more eloquent descriptions in the story that kinda kicked it all off or just enjoy going down a Reddit rabbit hole.

Anyways, so brimming with creative energy, I fired up the laptop and clicked over to D&D Beyond which features a very cool utility for creating homebrew creatures, magical items, spells, races - you name it. It’s amazing. If you are running or playing in a campaign, I cannot recommend it enough for managing PCs, NPCs, campaign details, and for use as a quick and easy reference guide.

After about a half hour of time spent, boom, I now have The Poop Knife in my Homebrew Collection. I have not submitted it for consideration to be included in the general Homebrew Collection available to all users, and I don’t think I will either. But if you are interested in this wondrous magical item, here is the description for your “pleasure”.

The Poop Knife

Weapon (dagger), legendary (<— of course it’s legendary)

This knife once belonged to a great and powerful sorcerer, one so advanced in his wisdom and intellect that he stretched and reshaped the very limits and capabilities of the human body. Only with arduous and painful dedication to his craft over years and years of experiments did he overcome any susceptibility to poisons, rot and decay, and disfigurement. There was no ailment that could bring illness to his form; no mighty blow that could lay him low.

Alas, however, there was one bodily limitation for which, even with all his years of study and volumes of the most arcane learnings, he could not overcome. His bowels routinely produced unnaturally long and unsegmented defecation. They were so long in fact that they would circle about and eventually spill over the sides of his chamber pot. Tired of having to clean up the spillage himself, for he led a solitary life, deeply immersed in his studies, he produced an ordinary carving knife be enspelled it to solve his scatological problems.

The poop knife, always kept handy by the sorcerer's chamber pot, could be wielded one-handed to manually segment his movements to sizes that fit into the pot in an orderly, and ordinary fashion. After many decades of serving this function twice daily - three times on the occasions when he indulged in too much roast - the knife attuned itself to the many magical energies swirling about the tower. 

The user gains a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon.

In addition, the user can use a bonus action each round to cause a thick, brown sludge of fecal matter to coat the blade. The sludge acts as a poison on successfully struck opponents, causing them to possibly suffer many ill effects. That victim must succeed on a DC 15 Constitution saving throw or take 1d12 poison damage and become poisoned for 1 day. The sludge must be reapplied after each successful attack or 1 minute of not being used.

For victims failing their saving throw,  the victim additionally takes 1d4 Constitution damage until a Minor Restoration is cast upon them.

Also during this time, the victim will carry about them the stink of an overflowing and poorly maintained latrine. All living creatures, friend or foe, within 15' must make a DC 10 saving throw at the start of their turn each round while in range or begin retching uncontrollably for 1 minute. During this time they have disadvantage to all Constitution, Charisma and Dexterity saving throws, disadvantage on all attacks, and must make a Concentration check each round to risk losing any applicable spells they have cast. Their attackers have advantage (unless they are similarly affected) on all attack roles. The stink will last until the affected creature has a Remove Curse spell cast upon it or they bathe in warm soapy water.

Similarly, if the user chooses to coat the blade in the toxic sludge, they too will be tainted by the horrendous smell. For the next hour after using the knife in this manner, they will have disadvantage on all Charisma checks, and anyone within 15 feet of them must make a DC 10 saving throw at the start of their turn each round while in range or begin retching uncontrollably for 1 minute. During this time, affected victims have disadvantage on Dexterity saving throws and must make a Concentration check each round to risk losing any applicable spells they have cast.

Proficiency with a dagger allows you to add your proficiency bonus to the attack roll for any attack you make with it.