A write-up of our biweekly Dungeons & Dragons campaign from the perspective of my character, Heyou, a teenage elf barbarian. Heyou was kidnapped at a young age by bandits. His family was murdered and his face disfigured, including the almost complete removal of his ears, before being sold to the orphanage where he grew up. Orphanages are big business in our fictional world as they produce the laborers that power the economy. The disfigurement means it was impossible for any extended family to identify and claim him. As a result, Heyou has a very jaded world view but also sees the ability to make money by perpetuating the kidnap-and-sell scam. He is not very bright but considers himself so and thus he frequently uses words incorrectly. Heyou and several of his fellow orphanage mates have reached the age where they must leave and go find jobs in the fields they have trained all their lives, however they have chosen a different path and have overthrown the thieves guild that once ran their small corner of town.

Session 6: Gus Messes with Our Money

It’s morning so I put away my candles, remove my big red and white striped hat, and pack them away until my next trance. The others begin to stir at the scent of eggs cooking from the lower level.

My man Sanjay has not only hooked up an incredible omelet breakfast but he tells us he spent some time with the documents Veego gave him. Unfortunately, there is some inception he can’t decode.

We collectively shrug it off as I gesture for Sanjay to continue with the morning report. He starts by telling us we’re short on money. Then he tells us this is because Dank couldn’t collect all the protection dues from the merchants in our territory. Brother, he is just filled with good news today.

Right away we jump all up and down Dank’s case, trying to figure out why he let some folks get away without paying. Turns out Brandy the baker only paid half. 

As a result of this, we only have enough money to cover food and other basic necessities. But as far as the sweet new uniforms I asked for? No dice. Not with people like Brandy thinking they only need to pay half. That’s too bad too because just a couple minutes ago Black Lizard was using his magic to show me some ideas he had, and there was one that was black and gold with blue trim that was the cat’s freaking meow.

So we all start trying to brainstorm how we’re going to make up for the shortage of fundage. Veego suggests Black Lizard use his magic to disguise himself as someone from one of the other guilds and go collect their protection money. I like this idea - definitely something we should consider doing anyway - but for now, I tell the group, let’s get airtight on collecting our own money. 

With that new direction from - who else? - me, the leader, we head out to Brandy’s bakeshop. On the way there I am pretty firm that we should burn the place down as a message to the others but the rest of the group wants to make sure everything is OK with Brandy. I decide to go along with it because, after all, Brandy has always been real good to me. Plus I like her cookies.

We get to Brandy’s and there’s no activity going on which is weird for this time of day. There should be people heading in and coming out with sacks of baked good. We don’t need even Veego’s crazy good senses to recognize something is wrong so we creep closer and peek in the window. 

Inside we see the shelves are oddly bare and no one is around but one of Brandy’s employees behind the counter. We decide to go inside to investigate further. I take the lead and stroll in like I own the place (because basically, we do now that we are the protectors) and ask the guy what’s going on. He seems really spooked but doesn’t tell us anything useful.

Finished with this maroon we decide to head into the very back of the shop to find out what’s got blabbermouth’s tongue. Mayella does some weird magic thingy with her demon doll and then we go on in with Black Lizard taking the lead. 

We find Brandy back there and she is bawling her eyes out. I take pity on her and decide perhaps burning her store to the ground is a bit overkill just this one time. She tells us between sobs that her supplier won’t sell to her no more and so she’s got no food to buy. She says he told her that she ain’t his most important customer so he can’t sell nothing to her no more. 

Sounds to me like this supplier needs his head caved in so we ask more about him. Brandy says his name is Gus and that he runs the warehouse two districts over. We get directions from her and then we are off to have a little conversation with this Gus fellow.

Before we leave, Brandy offers us some cookies. I take them all because it should be left to the leader to handle the distribution of bounty among other members of the team, and after getting first rights in the pecking order. I shove one in my mouth as we head toward the exit but before we get through the door I notice Mayella stuffing a loaf of bread under her dress. Well, well, well. Little miss I-don’t-want-to-kidnap-kids has a dark side to her after all. I silently blame the doll with a shake of my head.

Before we get to the general viscosity of the warehouse Brandy provided directions to, Black Lizard turns himself into a real fancy looking type of his kind with shiny armor and everything. The streets around the warehouse are real busy with a lot more people than in our tiny little area. Of course, I immediately start thinking Big Picture like how we’re going to take over this territory and collect from all these dopes.

We notice though that everyone is scowling, like someone really pissed in their gruel. Looking closer we notice their stores seem light on food and people arguing over what is available. Perhaps explains the sour faces. 

A few minutes later we manage to wind our way to the industrial area where we find the warehouse. There are lots of carts going into it filled with food and lots more coming out of the warehouse empty. We decide to have Black Lizard approach the guard station out front while in his fancy disguise. 

Black Lizard introduces himself as Mr. Dragon but somehow that doesn’t work or impress the guards. And since he isn’t on a cart or wagon, they quickly dismiss him.

We put our heads together and come up with a foolproof plan. Black Lizard transforms back into himself but uses his magic to make the rest of us look like a cart. Together we get in line to approach the guards again. When we get to be next in line, Veego uses his scary good eyesight to spy on the clowns in the cart in front of us. He tells us he sees some sort of manifest the people are giving to the guards and then describes it in detail to Black Lizard. 

Black Lizard quickly creates an image of the manifest as we approach the guards. To them, it appears like Black Lizard and I are pulling a cart but really the rest of our crew are disguised as the cart.

This guard though is a real hard ass. He calls us out immediately and accuses us of “tomfoolery”. I don’t know what that means but he starts calling other guards. We get out of there before it becomes a problem and regroup to decide what to try next.

Veego begins spying on the guards to see what spooked them. Turns out the problem was the produce Black Lizard created an image of was too fresh and was stuff they ain’t seen in a while. Armed with this we decide that instead of trying to trick our way in we’ll just high jack someone else’s cart and use it and their manifest to get past the guards. Now we’re talking my language.

It doesn’t take long before we spot our mark. Black Lizard turns himself into a guard and stops the cart. He confirms with the driver that he’s headed toward Gus’ warehouse and then asks for the driver’s manifest. The mark claims he doesn’t have any type of manifest and that he’s only carrying goods for the army. Black Lizard rummages through the guy’s cart and finds lots of food but everything is of real poor quality.

We watch as the mark goes to the gate. When he gets there he produces some sort of placard that he gives to the guard. That gets him access to the warehouse.

I’ve had just about enough of this sissy footing around by this point. We spot an isolated cart so I grab Jillian and we charge toward it. I don’t even give the drive a second to react. I just run up and drill him in the head with a blackjack. He goes down like one of his sacks of grain so I toss him in the back and grab the reigns.

Meanwhile, Jillian goes around to the back of the covered wagon to hide inside but it turns out there’s some other guy already hiding back there. She doesn’t see him in time so she gets stabbed by his short sword. Bleeding but not hurt too bad, Jillian stabs the man through the heart. At the same time, I draw my Wererat Slayer and with a reverse grip on the hilt I thrust backward without looking, and with a crunch and a splat, I evidently stab him through the back of his skull and out his eye.

Hey! We got ourselves a cart and horse now! Those should fetch us a few gold pieces. We’ll be in our awesome new uniforms in no time.

I pull the cart off to the side of the road and Black Lizard quickly hides it with his magic. We start looking through the goods in back and boy oh boy if it ain’t filled with food. I’m talking more food than Brandy could hope to use before it started to go bad.

We also search the cart and in a hidden compartment, we find the placard. Black Lizard tries to read it but isn’t able to make out all the symbols. It don’t matter to me though. Now we just need to dump the bodies and be on our way to finally go see Gus. Some of the team though think we should just take the food to Brandy as it keeps her in business and also allows her to put enough jingle in her pocket to pay us our protection money. I think again about those uniforms Black Lizard magicked up this morning and finally agree to the new plan.

First though, we need to stop at the base to dump the bodies. And we know just the place - the sewers. As we get back to the base, Veego notices someone is watching us but they run away before we can do anything about it. Oh well.

While Black Lizard takes the dead guy down to the sewers to let the carrion crawlers feast on him, we tie the driver up so we can get some answers about what’s going down in ol’ Gus’ warehouse.

Mayella starts whining about not wanting to be a part of what we are going to do so she tells us she’s going to the orphanage. Good riddance to her and that disgusting doll. If she can’t handle this then she ain’t cut out for this life.

I give the driver a good slap to wake him up and then start the interrogation. We want to know details about Gus’ operation. He just smirks and tells us that Gus is going to mess us up. I ain’t impressed but he ain’t talking neither so I give him a nice sock in the mouth. To my surprise, that doesn’t get anything out of him either. 

Jillian punches him in the bollocks so hard he passes out, which is awesome, but also means we need to wake him up. Black Lizard does a little healing magic on the driver. When he wakes up and decides to still not talk, I decide to up the ante by shattering his kneecap with my maul. And what do you know? All of a sudden he gets gabbier than three housewives doing laundry together.

Turns out Gus is moving foodstuffs mostly but he’s also trafficking weapons. Everything is going to people who are willing to pay and it turns out those people are mostly undesirables from another town. He then tells us where he picks up his food from within the city.

Now that he has run through his usefulness, I thank him by cutting most of his ears off and carving “Elf” in his forehead. See how he likes life when he looks like I do, a disfigured elf who is shunned by and spit on by most everyone.

We then chuck him in the sewer to wander to freedom if he is lucky, but Black Lizard decides that’s too risky so he chases the driver down and kills him. Mayella could learn a lot from Black Lizard about what it takes to be in a powerful and respected guild.

Black Lizard then tells us he needs to take the horses we acquired to his blacksmith shop so that he can re-brand them. While we wait for him to complete the task he manages to lame one of the horses. After healing the horse, he then brands one but somehow manages to kill the other. Now with a ton of horseflesh on our hands, we decide to see if we can barter a deal with the tavern owner.

He obviously recognizes refusing us would be very limiting to his lifespan since we run this territory so he agrees to butcher the horse in exchange for some of the meat. We agree to this and once he is finished, we take the rest of the horse meat and all the food to Brandy. She pays us handsomely for the food so now we’re square again with her. Lastly, we take the grain to Dale the miller so he can mill it for us but before we leave Brandy’s bakeshop, Mayella pulls her aside and has a private conversation.

When we arrive back at the lair, Black Lizard starts getting weirded out about the placard we found. He’s convinced it will help someone find us or spy on us or something so he decides to wrap it in a waterskin and hide it somewhere down in the sewers.

After that, we eat another fine meal prepared by Sanjay while he tells us we have enough money now to last a month. What a huge difference from this morning! A little murder here. A little theft there. Some light torturing on the side. And, bang, our money problems are solved. I hope the rest of the crew, even Mayella, is starting to see how wise I am.

With dinner done, we decided it probably isn’t very smart to leave the remaining horse and wagon out in front of our lair. Dale the miller gets the horse, which he then promptly renames Butternut (lame). And then in the ultimate devious move, we abandon the cart in the Candy Canes’ territory. Let Gus take out his revenge on them!

It’s time for bed now but we all agree in the morning we need to come up with a product or someway to expand our protection circle so we’re no longer living month-to-month.

Later that night while the others are sleeping and I am trancing out with my candles and red and white-striped hat, I hear a noise outside our room. I walk outside to the main room and see some figures coming up through the sewers dressed in leather armor and carrying short swords.

I go from chill trance mode to raging pissed in a heartbeat as I recognize these figures are breaking into our base. Charging into their area, I savagely kill the one closest.

It appears they are trying to open the door of the lair to the outside. I can’t let that happen but I have my hands full. Fortunately, Jillian comes racing into the room at that moment, weapon drawn, and kills one intruder while severely injuring another.

You’re not going to believe what happens next though. A massive lightning bolt comes roaring past me, drills one of the bad guys, and basically embeds the guy in our lair’s front door so deeply it causes the door to warp so they can’t easily open it. I look over my shoulder and see Mayella of all people is standing there with her doll. I’ll never talk bad about her or that doll again!

The intruders and whoever is on the other side of the now stuck door are trying to break it down. While they keep at it, I murder the last one that came up through the sewers and then shout a challenge to those outside telling them we have killed all of their friends and that the same fate awaits them.

Filled with murderous rage, I smash down the door with my maul, knocking two of the fighting men on the other side down. When the dust settles I see three more on their feet. All five are in armor and are carrying shields and long swords. Black Lizard and Jillian both now rush out the door to engage the attackers.

From inside the lair, Mayella starts shouting a whole lot of weird stuff and then a swarm of these nasty bugs comes flying out of her mouth and toward the fighters.

Nevermind. I take it all back. Mayella and especially her doll are still gross, and one if not both should probably be burned to ashes.

Black Lizard is suddenly surrounded by three of the enemy. I immediately come to his aid, bull-rushing one of them to the ground while stabbing another who is covered in the disgusting bugs that flew out of Mayella’s mouth. While I am doing that, Black Lizard falls all over the one I knocked down, stabbing him twice while he is prone.

It’s then that we notice one of the attackers is actually a cleric and he is healing the damage we have done to some of them. Well, I can’t have that so I recklessly charge toward him, swinging Wererat Slayer and raining blows on him while Mayella shoots some frozen stuff at him but misses. 

Just then I see Black Lizard go down from the series of cuts he has taken. Rage fills me even more and so I savagely destroy the cleric before turning my blade on another attacker.

Veego has entered the battle at this point, scoring a solid hit on one of the fighters. While he is taking care of business, Jillian heals herself before viciously cutting another one. Meanwhile, Mayella grabs Black Lizard and starts dragging him back into the lair and away from the fighting.

Recognizing they are obviously outmatched by our superior guild and out-stratagied by a leader such as I, they decide to run. They’re not getting off the hook that easy though after invading my home so we go after them. And besides, we can’t have them reporting back to whoever sent them.

I cut down one straggler while Veego stabs another. Jillian runs down and kills a third. As the last one attempts to get away, I pull out my javelin and hurl it, burying it in the runner’s back. While I retrieve my javelin, Veego stabs the man. Deciding this man could also have useful information, rather than killing him I blast him with all my might with my maul in an attempt to knock him unconscious.

Somehow though the man manages to stagger around the corner and out of sight. I continue to give chase however and as I round the corner I see another wagon like the one we took but this one has two men in chain armor and with swords and shields.

I manage to catch up to the last attacker and mercifully end his life before shouting a challenge to the two new fighters. They do not seem impressed but they will be. Ask the last couple corpses who underestimated us.

With Veego and Jillian once again at my side, we wade into battle. Both fighters strike at Veego, perhaps hoping for a quick kill that would even the numbers. They both miss though what with Veego using his shiny new magic sword that supposedly makes him harder to hit.

While they are focused on Veego I step up and murder one of them with one stroke. At the same moment, Veego uses the remaining fighters momentary shock to stab him as well. While I distract the fighter, Veego sneaks up and knocks the man unconscious. 

We now have another guest to ask some questions of about Gus and his warehouse racket. Hopefully, he gets to keep both his knees and his pretty, unsullied face. We’ll find out soon.